Wallaby Wallace in Australia!

On break

My lovely darlings! So I just had my spring break last week.  Except this is the southern’s hemisphere so the seasons are reverse so it’s really winter break. Lol isn’t that screwed up? Anywhere, so I went on spring break to Cannes, Australia which is the capital of the Australian state of Queenslam (which, sounds like a wrestling move…”Here comes rock cold Steve Ausin with a bodyslam…OH NO it’s not a regular slam..it’s a QUEENSLAM;” lol my friends all laughed at that one). So Cannes is way south in Australia so it’s way hotter.  The ride there on the airplane way only two hours. Fantastical.  I saw many clouds that we went above. Fluffy. But it was sad because the captain announced that the night before, his mother had died. Posthumous.

I travelled with my friend Crusty Alan who said he needed to leave town for a little while because of some heat on him…I was like dude we’re going to an even hotter place; your an idiot hahaha

Sunday: Rainforest

Australia has many old rainforests that were made long ago. Back when dinosaurs weren’t just bones in the ground but were real people.  That’s right, the oldest rainforest in the entire known universe, and I got to walk in it because I paid money to.  Ancient. But our tour guide Philip was very racist. He called all the african native american people of australia “unoriginal” and would not stop reffering to them as “unoriginal peoples” or “unoriginal tribes.” Geez, they were the first african americans IN australia, so they were probably pretty original. I told Philip that and he gave me the same confused look my teachers and friends have been giving me for many, many years.  People sometimes are just too dumb to even just understand me hahha; but its ok I don’t let it get to my head.

But yeah so we were in the jungle and made many stops to look at big trees with moss (how interesting) or giant spiders that we apparently were not supposed to eat. I don’t care if their endangered, the old scottish couple dared me to, and so I was going to do it. Totally worth the hard candy they gave me for it. At one place we could look across the water and see where the australian hero alligator hunter stephen earwig died while meeting Sting during a scuba session.  Sting stabbed him in the chest but apparently was never charged with murder. Australia’s weird

Monday: Kurmando

Crusty Alan and I took a train (WTF they don’t even have these in america) up to the mountain jungle town of Kurmendo. It wasn’t interesting except we saw a waterfall.  Wheeee, water falling. So cool.  Once we were in Kermando we looked at the village markets which was extensive and nice.  I bought a kangaroo vest (because I am the type of person that wheres a vest, thank you very much), a kangaroo heartstring lyre and cup for peeing into that is made out of a kangaroo skull. Irreplaceable. I also bought an amazing, incredible, superb native unoriginal painting. It cost a lot of money, but I know it will hang in whatever home in which I reside for the rest of my living days of life. It is literally that important to me. I will garnish it with my unwavering love until I perish. It is the light of my existence. Devotion.  We went back on the skyrail, which is like a big long skilift over trees, but without the skiing. Come on. That’s like going into your car and NOT driving to Wendy’s. Illogical. Since there wasn’t any skis, I hated it.

Tuesday: Grape Bear Reef

Another weird thing about Australians: they have the biggest underwater rock of all time and they call it a weird random name: the grape bear reef.  Whatever, poopfaces.  I went Scooby diving over the rock and it was the best time of ever.  The first dive was nerve-wrackinger than the second…Some fat guy floated too near me and I felt uncomfortable so I took away his oxygen mask thing. When he almost drowned I was given a stern talking-to from the guy who five minutes before had served me apple juice at the boat bar. Turncoat. My second dive was more successful. I saw all kinds of fish. One kind of fish even had a shell on its back! It looked really weird. I can’t wait to force everyone I know to look at the pictures I took regardless of their interest in my trip or in me as a fellow human being. I WILL show them, and they WILL compliment my many good skills.  Determined.

Wednesday: Bungy jumping

The art of bungy jumping cannot be described in words. Thrilling. Sexual. Illuminating.  The cliff was a full 34 feet high.  Which is much taller in australian feet.  The Wright Brothers invented bungy jumping in their bicycle shop in Kitty Hawk, Virginia in 1914, but they also brought it to Australia soon after.  Where I jumped was the first place that people jumped in australia, besides the first six spots.  I could almost see Cannes over the trees, though it could have been a mirage or hallucination because at that point I hadn’t eaten for 56 hours because the food in Cannes smells vaguely like Doritos which I don’t really like all that much.  After we jumped me and crusty Alan went to the lagoon (a public pool in Cannes where the water is clear and tastes pretty good) where Alan had several withdrawal-related seizures and nearly cut up an old lady because he thought she was a big cantalope.

Thursday: Rest

I chilled out because sometimes after you defecate in the town’s most well-known and popular public pool, you feel like it’s best to lay low for a while.  In my defense, it was the first time I did that in nine days.  I interneted an such. No one ever seems to respond to my Myspace requests any more. The internet, too, is a lonely place.  I thought, Maybe I’ll make like a tree and do heroin with Crusty Alan.  But nah.  Mother would not approve. Dishonor. But, I thought, I’ll probably keep eating these spiders; they’re pretty good.

Back in Sydney now.  Crusty Alan decided to move to Vietnam. Good for him, isn’t there war there? hahah. Internship starts soon. Can’t wait to tell you everything about that!  Life is like a box of chocolates and you know what? Who cares if I have chocolate all over my face, I’m having fun.  Inspirational.  Majestic.  Wallace.

Song

OH MY GOD

Have you guys ever heard the song bolevard of broken dreams?

This shit is INCREDIBLE

Feast of the Bleeding Souls in Oz!

Hello my lovelies! First off, let me apologize for not updating recently. I know how much I mean to you.  It’s hard to believe one man can mean so much to so many, like Martin Luthor King Jr. to the slaves or Harry Potter to the lonely white girl. And I know so many of you require my blog in order to metastasize food into energy, and thus going without new updates from my blog for several days may have actually killed you lol sorry bout dat

But Wallace has been a busy man! Let me tell you what’s been going down!

Those of you who know me know I am a very religious person. In my household we have several different ‘J’ words that we’re not allowed to say for several different reasons. I pray every night before bed, every day when I wake up, and have several different ceremonial cleansing rituals that the Reformed Northeast Latter-Orthodox Adventist Church of Manitoba forbids me to speak of.  That being said, when a friend offers to get you in touch with Satanists for a free meal you take him up on that. My acquaintance from the program, Crusty Allen, has family friends in the area and got me in touch with them.  I was invited for the annual Feast of Bleeding Souls at their house this evening and it was probably one of the most rewarding experiences I have had here to date.

I wasn’t really sure what to expect…I’ve never met any Australian Satanists.  American ones? Duh. Belgian ones? A few. South African? Here and there. Dead? It happens.  But zero Australians.  Would it just be the two of them, the sacrificial homeless man, and me?  What if I accidentally say something against Ron Paul?  White type of polo shirt should I wear?  I arrived promptly at 4 in the morning and met Skeez, her husband Possum, and their two beautiful children Nathaniel and Superfly.  Slowly, the most horrendous miscreants I’ve ever seen dribbled in, most wearing leather capes, at least 4 brought people in cages, and several were violently ill.  I felt bad for the man who brought the fruit basket.  They were all fascinated to know me because I’m foreign, but also, I suspect, because I’m a virgin and they could potentially later use me for ritual killing.

Because of the whole virgin thing, they seated me at the kids table. They put Big D there too, not because he’s a virgin, but because everyone who used to like him realized several years later that he sucked.  Most of the meal was quiet, which is normal for Feast of the Bleeding Souls, because you’re supposed to listen to the sacrifice bleeding while you’re eating your creamed corn.  I didn’t mind the silence.  Every once in a while, someone would prick me a little with the trident of Eternal Death as per tradition, or ask me a question about myself. 

In short, everyone was really cool, except for Big D, who turned out to be a cop.  It’s okay, they’ll never find him. Being in a program with over 14 other Americans, it has been literally, LITERALLy impossibly to find an Australian to talk to. They’re, like, nowhere.  Do they hide in kangaroos lol? (see this blog post ain’t all serious or anything, I can still make the jokes) But anyway, in conclusion: it was amazing to be all around these people, they were surreal, in the most magical, excruciating way.  What can I say?  They were tremendous. Terrific. Tantalizing. Totally.  They said I could come back any time ever even if its after the Apocalypse (which they said will be in a few weeks, so get your lootin’ shoes ready) and I may have to take them up on it…that homeless man was.

Delicious.

Amazing.

…Did I use amazing already? I forget lol

My first night out

Hello all!  Guess what??? I went out to a bar for the very first time ever last night. It was a place called ‘Atticus Finch,’ which I think was named after the guy who started Abercrombie and Finch, because there were black and white pictures of lots of muscled men with no shirts on all around the walls. The only problem was there wasn’t really many girls there and the music was too loud. Overwhelming.

The only house specialties they served were called the “Pouting Scout,” the “Booty Radley,” and the “To Suck a Cockingbird.”  They were all expensive and kind of gay-sounding lol so I just ordered a Toohey’s New (an Australian beer with an antelope for a mascot! Distinctive.) and sat in a corner trying to find chicks.  Tonight was the night I was finally going to learn how to make out with a girl (Even after watching movies I still don’t quite get what you’re supposed to do with the tongue…stabbing motions?).

I couldn’t find any chicks but this guy in a striped tank top came up to me and started talking and I made a friend!  A real friend (that’s 4 now)!  Who is actually an Ozzie! His name is Lance and he goes to UNSW (University of New South Welch) where he studies fashion.  We hit it off super well and he even bought me a shout! By the way, in Australia “drink” equals “shout.” And so you could say my mother “drank” at me a lot when I was a child hahaha! Then again, she also “shouted” at me a lot too.  I don’t blame mother for that fateful day at the Sunoco.  When you live in Delaware there is nothing to live for.

…Hahahahahahaha anyway so my new friend Lance eventually asked me if I wanted to join him in a lounge on the side of the club called “Tom Robinson’s Chiffarobe,” where you’re supposed to go if you want to “get busted up.”  I said “Of course! I can’t wait to get to know you even better, my new Australian pal!” And so we headed through the big wooden doors.  I remember walking into a very dark, cramped space and I guess I was more tired than I thought because the next thing I know I woke up in the alley!  I must have fallen asleep right there in the club! Embarrassing.  But Lance must have been nice enough to carry me out.  Courteous!

I felt awful woozy from my nap so I decided it was best I went home.  So off I went a little dazed, and sticky from the garbage I had been lying on for apparently 2 and a half hours (according to the watch Granny gave me! It cost $35 dollars!), but I couldn’t stop smiling. Because I made a cool friend that night even if that wasn’t the intended intent of the night! Life is a pair-of-docks (heard that fancy word on the TV!). I went into the night with one clear goal in mind: I was completely asphyxiated on finding a girl and making out with her.  Did I find a girl? No. But, I made a friend in the process, and how eye-opening that was!  Except for the part when my eyes closed and I forgot everything. So I learned a few things tonight: A. I should get more sleep so I’m not falling asleep at bars when I’m meeting potential best friends, and 2. waking up in the garbage can be as fulfilling as making out with a girl. I’m assuming

Also I lost my wallet last night too! How silly of me hahaha oh well, I don’t care; money is just an object!  This Sydney life is the best time of my entire life! Making friends, learning the best lessons, I have seriously never had a better time than the time I am having at this exact moment, typing out here on the roof of my dorm. The air, the clouds, the sun, the gentle wind…..life-changing! And you can’t take that away from me, Mother! Until next time, Wallace out!

Coffeeshop at the Rocks

Hey all! Today we hit three pageviews! Really excited! You love me, you really love me! Tell your friends! Excellent.

So today I went to this place called the Rocks. Apparently back when criminals sailed to Australia to escape persecution or whatever they decided to set up by a bunch of rocks and break them all day.  They’d use rocks for currency, tools, toys and games, gambling, sometimes food, and other things.  It must have been a magnificent age.

Eventually the criminals realized rocks weren’t all that interesting, so they built a bunch of cool restaurants and bars instead. They still stand today.  Then they built the Sydney bridge over it and the river so other people could get to Sydney, not just criminals! I’m getting more into the history of this place, it actually is kind of interesting.  Still kind of retarded though too.

So I went to the Rocks to this coffeeshop called ‘The Wistful Goat’ or something stupid. Here’s how the conversation with the barista went down:

Me: I’ll have a coffee.  And make it snappy, I don’t have all day. 

Asshole Barista Hipster Chick: What kind of coffee would you like?

Me: Just a regular coffee.

Asshole Barista Hipster Chick: Long black? Flat white?

Me: …What did you call me?

This escalatored into a very tense conversation with the manager and I got a free flat white out of the situation. It was bland and scalding.  I will never be getting a coffee in Australia again.  They’ve lost my trust.

I think this says something amazing about the world, and philosophy. Coffee is like a message, a message that can be sent around the world, and sometimes the message gets jumbled.  Sometimes you don’t get what you want.  Sometimes what you get removes the skin from the inside of your mouth and you end up spitting it out.  Sometimes when you spit out the super-heated mess from your mouth you forget about the old man sitting next to you and you have to sneak out of the establishment as ambiguously as possibly because there is now an old man writhing on the ground screaming with his hands over his eyes. Sometimes life throws you curveballs.  But life is like a cup of coffee: hot one minute, cold the next, and completely unpredictable.

Australia is teaching me a thousand new lessons every day! I wish I could post about them all, but  since it takes me about 4 hours to do each post, there isn’t enough time in the day! And I have to go do homework for my class. As the Aussies say, “Crikey!” See you next time, little monsters!

Beaches and yeah

Hey all! Wallace here! Lots of exciting stuff happening!

Bondi beach is Sydney’s oldest and largest beach.  It is named after the neighborhood of Bondi which is located right next to it (on the land side, not the water lol). Bondi is a Native American name for something, probably “beach.”

Anyway so I went to Bondi today but it was really boring. Everyone said how awesome it was but I got there and it was just a bunch of soft white sand, gross tan people, and a couple topless Asian chicks. Not exactly my scene. But I went with the flow.  Basically I strolled around in my sunglasses pretending to be “Bondi, James Bondi,” a Canadian secret agent who walks around beaches and discreetly looks at Asian girls’ tits. Amazing.

But I got really bad sunburn because I didn’t put any sunscreen on! But like, I didn’t think we had to because we’re south of the equator…whatever, science is weird. I’m all red and my face has mad blisters. But I’m gonna put some aloe on it because I heard that instantly cures sunburn. Ha, sun! Take that! You thought you could outsmart me…idiot.

You know what else is weird, besides science? This country. They call elevators “lifts,” even though they don’t just lift you; they also bring you down.  Hahahaha it doesn’t really make sense.  The name “elevator” is far more logical. They have a lot of weird names for things here.  “Wanker” means “friend/amigo,” “torch” means “fleshlight,” and “waltzing matilda” means “sexually exploiting a tea kettle.” This is all from a bunch of Australian teenagers I met on the street, so you know it’s authentic.

Also I’ve been in the city for two and a half weeks now and I still have yet to see a kangaroo. This is bullshit.  Australia is supposed to have kangaroos, and there are ZERO in Sydney. Like, were they lying to us? Astounding. But! I think I found where they are! I asked an old man on the street where all the kangaroos are and he said, “Buggeroff.”  So I need to find this town Buggeroff but I can’t find it online or anything. Maybe he was senile? I’m sure I’ll find it somewhere.

Dude here all the cars drive on the left. That’s like…not right ahahahhaha

More to come later, but here’s my inspirational quote of the day: Life is opportunity, opportunity is success, success is love, love is happiness, happiness is to give, to give is life. Beautiful. That’s how I try to live my life.

First post

G’day, all! I got to Sydney a few weeks ago and since everyone has started writing a blog I decided I would, too!

Our first few weeks of classes have been boring. We talked about how Australia is a country. I’m like, I know that

Apparently the first people to ever come to Australia used to be criminals. But I thought “If all the people were criminals, who were the cops?? Other criminals?” Mind, blown. Haha will someone please explain this to me because it does not make sense.

Anyway when we’re not in stupid classes about Australia’s six states (Queenslem, New south Wells, Victoria (probably named after someone named victor haha), Southland, West, and new Zealand), we got an intense boat tour of the City, which is on a harbor, or as they say here ‘harbour’ which is actually pronounced exactly as it sounds. It was amazing.

We saw the Sydney Bridge. Awesome.  We saw the famous Sydney Opera house (but we didnt hear any singing lol, I guess they don’t really do that much opera there). But it was incredible.  On the tour I had a beer! I can’t do that in America, so don’t tell the cops ha! I forget what type it was but it was ridiculously good!

My teacher kept trying to point out stupid historical things on the tour, but I was like screw that. I don’t care about old dead native Americans who used to live in Australia. Did you know you can poop on a boat? They have toilets and everything! Just, astonishing.

Anyway, life down under is looking to be really badass so I’ll be telling you all about it over the next months! This country may only 6 states (US has like 51, you guys have some catching up to do; haha) but its very cool anyway indeed. Peaceout! Or as Australia would say; “no worries!”.